Today in Nice (France), something small but deeply telling happened. I was sitting alone at an open-air cafe; tea and coffee cups scattered on the table after our group had gone shopping. The sun was warm, the moment quiet, a perfect pause. As the server came by to clear the table, I instinctively gathered the used cups, tissues, and plates and handed them to her. It was almost automatic, like muscle memory.
She looked at me and smiled…. not in judgment, but with a kind of warm amusement and said, “You have all your women instincts active. This is my job. You are meant to enjoy your time.”
That simple comment lingered with me far longer than I expected.
Subconscious Behaviours: Who’s Really in Charge?
So much of what we do, day in and day out, does not come from conscious thought. It comes from somewhere underneath. A web of habits, cultural cues, early experiences, and social expectations that shape how we move through the world. We often do not notice these patterns until someone gently points them out. That is what the server did for me.
Why did I feel compelled to help?
Why couldn’t I just sit back and receive service, as a customer is meant to?
The answer, I realised, was not just politeness or kindness. It was a subconscious program running. An ingrained belief that I must be helpful, must tidy, must not leave work for someone else, even when I am the one being served.
The Gender Lens.
Her comment: “You have all your women instincts active,” was sharp in its accuracy. I knew exactly what she meant. So many women are taught, subtly and overtly, to anticipate others’ needs, to ease burdens, to be tidy, to take care. These are not inherently bad traits. In fact, they are deeply valuable, but when they operate without awareness or balance, they start taking over moments that are meant to be restful.
I wasn’t helping the server out of conscious kindness. I was doing it because I didn’t know how not to.
Becoming Aware of the Underneath
This tiny exchange reminded me how often our subconscious is steering the wheel, not because we are not intelligent or thoughtful, but because the autopilot is strong. Especially in women, especially in roles where care is so deeply internalised.
Becoming aware of these behaviours does not mean we have to stop them. But it allows us to choose. To pause and say: Is this what I want to do? Or is this what I have always done?
Sometimes we still hand over the cups. Sometimes we do not. But the difference is now, it’s a choice.
A Reflection for You
Next time you find yourself automatically helping, apologising, fixing, or taking on responsibility that was not asked of you, pause for a breath. Ask yourself:
- Is this an act of love or an old habit?
- Do I feel choice in this moment or compulsion?
- What would it be like to simply receive?
That moment in Nice did not just reveal a pattern, it offered me the chance to meet it with awareness. And that’s where real change begins.
Have you noticed similar subconscious behaviours in yourself? What story comes to mind? I would love to hear it.
When Automatic Becomes Invisible: An Closer Look at Subconscious Patterns
In my last Blog, I shared an moment in Nice that caught me off guard , a moment where an simple interaction with an waitress reflected something much deeper about how I move through the world.
Unpacking the Habit Loop
That moment sparked something in me. It made me pause and ask : Why do I feel responsible, even when I am not supposed to be ? Why is receiving so difficult while Giving comes so naturally? did I feel the need to help? Why couldn’t I allow myself the simple experience of being served , of just being?
I realised I wasn’t doing it out of a present-moment choice. I was doing it from a place of auto-response ; a deeply ingrained pattern to be helpful, responsible, efficient. A subconscious belief that my role is to support, tidy, make things easier for others. Even in spaces where I’m meant to relax.
This wasn’t a conscious act of kindness. It was a learned behaviour, running in the background.
The Conscious Competence Model: A Mirror for Growth
This entire experience reminded me of the Conscious Competence Ladder, a model often used in psychology and skill development to explain how we learn. This model explains how we move from not knowing something to doing it so easily, we don’t even think .
- Unconscious Incompetence :We don’t know what we don’t know.
- Conscious Incompetence : We become aware of what we don’t know.
- Conscious Competence : We know, and we act with effort and intention.
- Unconscious Competence : The new behaviour becomes second nature.
But here’s the catch ; this model applies not only to skills, but also to beliefs and behaviours.
In my case, I had unknowingly become unconsciously competent in being helpful. I was so practiced in it that I no longer questioned it. It had moved from intention to instinct.
When “Good” Becomes Automatic
Being helpful isn’t the problem. It’s a beautiful value, when it comes from presence. But when it becomes habitual, even virtues can tip out of balance.
To grow, we sometimes need to reverse the ladder. Move from unconscious patterns back into conscious awareness. To revisit our “automatic competencies” and ask:
- Is this still serving me?
- Is this behaviour rooted in choice or conditioning?
- Who am I trying to be seen as when I do this?
The Power of Pausing
That one moment in a cafe gave me a chance to pause, to revisit a familiar behaviour and see it anew. To move from unconscious to conscious. And that, in itself, is growth.
Because sometimes, building a healthier relationship with ourselves doesn’t require a grand transformation. It starts with a single moment of noticing.
A Reflection for You
Where in your life have you become “unconsciously competent”?
What are you doing so automatically that you’ve forgotten to question it?
